


The risk of loving her

by lighted_windows



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Agnostic Character, Angst, F/M, Fear of Rejection, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:07:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23042986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lighted_windows/pseuds/lighted_windows
Summary: Before Patrick could be "completely certain", he must have had to face a very real fear.
Relationships: Bernadette | Shelagh Turner/Patrick Turner
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	The risk of loving her

Patrick had picked up and put down his pen more times than he could count, and he had not yet written anything. Would Sister Bernadette even _want_ him to write?

They had spoken so little, and not at all since the day he’d left her at the sanatorium. He had no way of knowing what she truly thought of him. What she thought of his actions, of the state of his soul. Perhaps she pitied him, and nothing more. By all accounts, she ought not to return his feelings. She was nun…and even if she had only been a devout layperson, he was surely not the kind of man she could ever be supposed to love.

_I’ve let myself fall in love with someone who might think I deserve to burn in Hell. That was careless of me._

But though he tried, Patrick could not really make light of it. It was a deeply vulnerable thing, to love someone – well, to love someone _at all_ , but especially to love someone who might believe that. When he would not wish her _two seconds_ of fiery torment, let alone an eternity. It hurt to think of it.

Could he deliver his already-scarred heart into the hands of someone who – though outwardly so kind – might nonetheless think his heart worthless? At least as things stood in the present? When _that people mattered_ was the only thing he was really sure of, could he risk loving someone who might believe _he didn’t matter_ , unless or until he was one of the faithful? He knew so little of her personal theology. Could he risk loving someone who might think the very, very worst of him?

_Yes_. Yes, he could.

Because the loving was already done – the risk already blindly taken.

And in a way, the same was true of everyone else he’d ever loved, his whole life. There was never any guarantee that the people you loved would respect you, or consider you worthy. Guarantees were not what love was about.

He could only ever trust in the gentleness in people, and reach for the best inside himself. And survive each day, and try his best to live kindly. Honestly, too.

Patrick picked up his pen.

_Dear Sister Bernadette…_


End file.
